Our mind is made up of 3 parts – and by understanding what their roles are, how they interact together, and how they drive our feelings, emotions and behaviours – we can become far more insightful towards ourselves, and more tolerant of our partner, children, parents, friends and work colleagues.

There are 3 parts to our mind:

1.         The Conscious Mind

2.         The Non-Conscious

               a/. The Subconscious

               b/. The Unconscious Mind

1.         The Conscious Mind

Our Conscious Mind, which is approximately 20% of our total mind, is the part of the mind that enables us to operate in the now… interacting, thinking, analyzing, planning, communicating and doing.

It is the part of our mind that most represents who we really want to be – that part of us that tries to have good intention, to behave in ways that are congruent with the beliefs and values that we try to put into practice.

2.         The Non-Conscious Mind

The non-conscious mind (80%) is made up of two parts – the subconscious and the unconscious. Science has proven that it operates at speeds 1,000s of times faster than the conscious mind.

The subconscious, containing all past experiences, works like a filter. As we receive input via our conscious mind in the form of seeing and hearing, it passes through this filter and feelings and emotions are generated. These in turn are relayed to our unconscious mind which is where actions & reactions take place. All at nanosecond speeds.

Therefore when we hear a difference of opinion or criticism, so often before we have consciously processed it, the non-conscious mind has not only processed it but is already acting on the feelings / emotions associated with that processing.

However, it is important to note that the non-conscious mind is non-thinking.

Because we require our conscious mind to analyse and reflect on thoughts and feelings, when we react on the spot (which is how most people behave), we thus respond defensively.

This is a non-thinking response, and is our non-conscious mind acting in auto pilot mode – defending our self against what we have seen or heard.

As a result we don’t hear the feelings, thoughts, rationale or emotions behind comments, from partners or parents, but immediately translate it as being straight out criticism.

This is particularly marked with communications between people in relationships, married couples, and between parents and children.

Therefore be aware when the person you are attempting to understand your thoughts or feelings reacts defensively, as it means they actually haven’t really ‘heard’ you. It is as if they are in a debate, merely taking the words at face value, and formulating a response in their non-conscious mind, even before you have finished your first sentence.

Therefore, the more you then say, the more it is completely wasted, and in fact merely makes the listener become more resolute in their defensive thinking - strengthening their resolve at their non-conscious level.