In relationships defensiveness is the number one cause of arguments and/or a breakdown in communication ... and thus separation or divorce. It is usually an automatic response – our reaction to an opinion, thought or feeling that can be perceived as criticism.

How it Happens
Our non-conscious mind operates at speeds thousands of times faster than our conscious mind. As we consciously listen to our partner, our subconscious is filtering the message, and if it interprets it as a criticism, it generates a negative feeling or emotion that is picked up by the unconscious mind.

The unconscious, which is there to protect and preserve the body, then swings into action and we find ourselves answering back in a defensive manner, often before we have taken the time to consciously process what is being said. Consequently we often we feel bad re how we behaved.

Why We Act Defensively
There are two main reasons why we react defensively – either to 1. Protect ourselves, or 2. To give our partner insight.

1. Protection
This is an automatic reaction that is based on fear and occurs with the intention of protecting us from a perceived threat. This response is part of our unconscious programming – the fight or flight response.

However, when we react this way our response is often nasty, hurtful, critical or angry. This response often happens instantaneously, before we have a chance to ‘catch’ ourselves.

2. Insight

 No one likes to see their partner hurt or unhappy. Therefore we often respond with good intention, trying to give them insight into why we said or did what we did, with the intention of enabling them to gain understanding, and thus not feel hurt or unhappy.

The Result
Defensiveness is always perceived as argumentative. We might just be expressing a feeling, yet what comes back in return leaves us feeling confused, hurt or attacked. Our subsequent response then is also defensiveness – but the problem is that with each return it becomes more aggressive.

Our Personality
There are certain personality types that can make a person more sensitive to perceived criticism. The two main ones are low self esteem or superiority complex. If in childhood you experienced arguments, criticism, abuse or abandonment; or conversely were led to believe you were totally amazing - then you may have a heightened sensitivity. This doesn’t mean you are in any way flawed – it is just how you have been programmed. But you still need to take responsibly for defensive responses – as over time it will kill any love, trust, or respect in a relationship.

Women and Communication
Women connect via language while men use it primarily for information and independence. If you often hear blame when your partner speaks, you need to discuss this thoughtfully together.

The Alternative
Validate, Validate, Validate – Listen and Acknowledge – let them know you have heard them.
When you hear something that ‘sounds’ critical, don’t act defensively, but rather know that it is their truth in that moment, perhaps a connection, or a fleeting feeling … and just VALIDATE it.

And if you know your partner can be overly sensitive at times, be more forgiving. Don't take it personally.