Control (Influence)

Our beliefs, values, feelings & behaviours are partly genetic and partly programmed into our subconscious during our early years by our parents and family.

In a new relationship lust and love overrides our subconscious programming. Our lives are full of action that keeps us busy both mentally and physically, leaving us no time to reflect on such things. Engagements, weddings, living arrangements, education, careers, investments, sporting interests, social groups, children, ex partners … & the list goes on.

We also act in a manner that we think our partner would like, because we want to please them. However our unconscious programmed schema of life, including how we want our environment to be & how we would like our partner to be, slowly bubbles to the surface.

As time passes, patterns get established & life becomes more routine, and it is then that we start to experience anxiety & stress about our partner’s behaviours and how we want them to act. Unfortunately we don't have the wisdom to recognise what is going on, or the experience or knowledge to know how to deal with this internal conflict.

Consequently, what we try to do is influence that person, to change them to become the person that we WANT them to be. This control is often subconscious, & is done subtly through everyday language and actions, as we try to modify who they are. Examples are as simple as "I love you sitting with me watching TV" or "do you think that cake is good for us?", “the house looks so good when it’s tidy?” or "you love sharing a glass of wine every night". In all these instances we are indirectly influencing how we want our partner to behave. We are exerting control over them.

This then leads to a break down in rapport leading to tension, unhappiness, unfulfilling physical relationships ... which then leads to anger, arguments, conflict … a total breakdown in communication. Emotional and sometimes physical abuse thus ensues.

The Second Time Around
When you meet someone later in life you have an even more strongly defined schema of life including how you would like your partner to be. It is stored in your subconscious. In addition our brain is less ‘plastic’, so we can be less tolerant and less flexible about the differences. But with heightened self awareness you don’t have to let this programming dictate you feelings.

Control
The one with the higher needs or standards often feels unease and disquiet, and as a result, ends up trying to control or change the other person, leaving them feeling anxious, inferior, inadequate, upset & angry. Instead of embracing the differences, conflict becomes the norm.