Show Stoppers

Although it is important to acknowledge and accept most differences (see Acknowledging the Differences sheet), some may be impossible due to past learnings and experiences.

In life we develop a set of beliefs and values that are with us for ever. They are deeply programmed into our subconscious and are not easily changed. They become a neural pathway – a sub programme – that lies dormant in our subconscious until a current experience matches it.

When we are confronted with such a behaviour or situation, we can experience a variety of feelings such as disconnection, withdrawal, disgust, disbelief, panic attack, fear, anger or even revulsion … some can be quite extreme emotions.

These ‘showstoppers’ can be extremely varied and cover all aspects of life. Examples may include anger, sexism, racism, religious expression, bad eating, untidy or dirty houses, badly behaved kids, rudeness, selfishness, criticism, lies, affairs, unhealthy lifestyle, violence, drinking, smoking, etc.

Some may be reasonable, some not so reasonable. But regardless, if they are real to the person experiencing them they will have a serious impact on their emotional state.

Friends
When friends exhibit behaviours that fall into the ‘showstopper’ category, we can often make allowances. We can tolerate even if we dislike certain behaviours because we are not so close and their friendship outweighs the negatives. When we are with them for short periods of time we can just focus on their good traits. Extremely close friends however can fall out and never speak again over seemingly the most bizarre of circumstances. Perhaps you have seen this and wondered why?

Partners and Family
When someone extremely close exhibits such behaviours we feel very confronted because family members take up different places in our brain. They become part of us, we become enmeshed. And because we’re so connected behaviours contrary to our programming can really cause distress because we subconsciously expect our partner to have the same basic beliefs, values & behaviours.

The need for synergy with that person becomes so strong, when ‘showstoppers’ occur, we just cannot cope. Consequently ‘showstopper’ behaviour in a spouse is exactly that – a showstopper.

What to do
If there are things in a relationship that your partner finds as showstoppers – you MUST acknowledge them. You must treat those things with the utmost respect. You must validate your partner so they know that you really understand the importance of them.

This is extremely difficult if they have no importance for you, or worse still feel crazy. However, if you don’t, they become the elephant in the room that becomes the showstopper in the relationship.

Therefore they must be talked about, and effort must be made to accommodate them.

At the same time the person with such strong beliefs, values or behaviours must also try to develop some tolerance. But this may be virtually impossible however if engrained from childhood.

How to React
When a partner says to you something is a showstopper – don’t take it personally. Don’t own it. It is not you, merely an aspect of your behaviour that they are struggling with. As soon as you own it (see Arguments article) then the battle begins.

Kindness, acknowledgement, validation, active listening & accommodating behaviour – will all help you develop an even stronger connection, bringing you closer rather than driving you apart.