Often the most lovely, happy and balanced teenagers become sad, angry, uncommunicative, irrational, rude and difficult. They suddenly don’t want to play by the accepted family rules, leaving parents totally confused and worried about what has gone wrong.

Rest assured - in most cases, nothing has gone wrong.  It is just that hormones have gone awry.
However, when we attempt to maintain (force) the status quo regards communication and behaviour, you only make the situation worse.

As long as your son or daughter is not putting themselves in danger, getting into serious trouble, or engaging  in serious anti-social behaviours, then take a step back.

During this period (1 – 2+ years) the brain and body goes through massive change, and you can no longer communicate with them or enjoy the same relationship that you used to have. But rest assured it doesn’t last for ever.

What you have to learn to do is accept that these anti-social behaviours are not your child - but are unconscious behaviours driven by subconscious feelings & emotions that they have no control over.

Some behaviours that you might experience are:

Gets angry    Slams doors    Won’t talk
Stays in their room    Becomes secretive    Always plugged into their IPOD
Replies rudely    Goes AWOL occasionally    Goes for long walks
Is very moody    Cries at times    Screams and yells
Fights with siblings    Won’t cooperate    Won’t help around the house
Won’t join in family events    Won’t get off computer quickly    Obsessive re friends/b’fs & g’fs

If these behaviours are (were) NOT typical of your son or daughter - then ride them out …

•    Do NOT engage
•    Do not lecture
•    Do not force apologies
•    Do not recriminate
•    Set boundaries but Be flexible
•    Don’t punish by grounding or removing privileges

Instead, make sure they know you are there for her. Empathise (without being over the top), and let them get through this time in their own way.

It is far better for a teenager to be able to externalise their feelings around the house than be forced to internalise them in silence.

Punishment or forcing a certain behaviour usually ends up making them behave far worse, or run away and do things behind your back. What you don’t know is what you need to worried about.

Perhaps buy them a huge diary - and I mean huge. Let her fill it up with drawings, cuttings, lyrics, poems … whatever they need to get out there.

Also be aware of the impact an older sister or brother could have on them. Kids always think that they can do the same as older siblings.

And be a reasonable role model. For example if you drink a bit too much, don’t do it in front of her. Children always pick up on hypocritical parents.

NOTE
If your child however is doing things that are dangerous … e.g. starting to drink, smoking, experimenting with drugs, wagging school frequently, cutting herself, hanging around with a bad bunch of friends, staying out after school every day, etc - then make an appointment with a school or private counsellor.

There is one thing being anti-social around the house… but when they are heading into dangerous waters it is time to take action. Make an appointment with a counsellor who is experienced with teenagers immediately to get him/her assessed.

You have a right to know where she is, and there needs to be some reasonable boundaries in place.

And … if they are threatening suicide – ACT right now.